April 4, 2026 | DailySling Satire
What now?
In an absolutely necessary press statement nobody was clamoring for, McDonald’s CEO Ronald Buck confirmed today that the company’s newly launched McSoylent burgers are not made from people, despite rampant online speculation — which, to be clear, no one had actually asked about.
The announcement comes amid swirling social media rumors claiming that the McSoylent burger, McDonald's latest plant-based innovation, is secretly composed of “human byproducts” or “some kind of dystopian cannibalism.” Buck was quick to squash these unfounded theories during a brief but surprisingly awkward press conference.
“Let me be crystal clear: McSoylent burgers do not contain any human ingredients,” Buck stated with a straight face, before immediately adding, “Honestly, who even thought this was a question worth answering?”
The Birth of McSoylent: A Mystery Nobody Solved
McDonald’s introduced McSoylent last month as a bold alternative to beef and chicken options. Marketed as a nutrient-dense, eco-friendly burger made from soy protein and other plant-based elements, it has been praised for its sustainability. However, the bizarre rumors started circulating after a few internet users joked about the name “Soylent,” referencing the infamous sci-fi food made from humans.
Despite zero credible evidence, threads exploded on platforms like Twitter and Reddit asking whether McSoylent was “actually human meat” or “some secret government experiment.”
“No One Asked, But Here We Are”
When asked why the company felt compelled to respond to a question nobody posed, Buck shrugged:
“We realized if we didn’t say something, the internet might start thinking we were in the business of selling people. So here we are. Just to be clear: our burgers are 100% plant-based. And definitely not human.”
The Internet Responds: Mission Accomplished?
Social media reactions ranged from relieved to bemused.
@BurgerTruth tweeted: “Glad they cleared that up. I was really worried about my Big Mac.”
@ConspiracyCarl joked: “Guess we’ll never know what REALLY goes into fast food.”
@SkepticalSue commented: “No one asked. Literally. No one. But thanks for the update, I guess?”
What’s Next for McDonald’s?
In response to the buzz, McDonald’s is reportedly planning a new marketing campaign titled “McSoylent: Definitely Not People.” The campaign aims to reassure customers and capitalize on the viral attention — because if there’s one thing the internet loves, it’s the weird rumors about what they’re eating.
DailySling will continue to provide updates on this story as it develops. Meanwhile, enjoy your totally human-free burger with peace of mind.
For more satirical headlines and fake news you didn’t ask for, stay tuned to DailySling.
Keywords: McDonald’s McSoylent, plant-based burger, fast food rumors, soy protein burger, vegan fast food satire
